Heart STILL Hurting

A year ago, I was here blogging about being so totally heart-broken after my two year relationship had ended…

Well how pathetic is this: I am currently laying in bed crying about it. I am still hurting. I’m over what happened with the actual break-up and the drama I had to deal with. But I am not over the loss. He meant so much to me. He was my best friend, my go-to guy. Whenever I needed strength or advice or a shoulder to cry on or some comic relief in life, it was him. I miss him so much and no matter what I do, I can’t shake him. This is ridiculous. Even since then, I had started dating someone new toward the very end of last summer. I mean really, everything has truly been honky dory. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have off and on seemed to be JUST FINE without him. I really thought I was over it. How in the hell can you force your heart and your mind to let go of someone??? My heart is still in pain and also my mind won’t let him go (I.e. I have dreamed about him three times just in this week). Two nights ago, it was so elaborate that I woke up from the dream thinking it was real! And just now literally I just woke up from one and here I am crying. I can’t deal with this nonsense.

I want to tell him how much he still means to me, just to get it off my chest..maybe that’ll help. BUT I kind of refuse to put myself out there like that. There’s just NO point in doing that. We are never getting back together and my focus should be on moving on. We still keep in touch every blue moon but for me not a single day goes by when he doesn’t cross my mind.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a sad sap walking around all day. It’s all good. For the most part. But when I see something that reminds me of him, see someone who looks like him, hear one of our songs on the radio,…it’s not so good anymore.

I hate this. And no matter how dirty he used to do me, I always ended up forgiving him because I felt like I needed him in my life. And actually, here’s something I failed to mention in last Year’s blog post: we both did each other wrong throughout our relationship. Yep. He wasn’t the only bad guy. I do think what he did was worse though, especially that bull crap he pulled that ended it all!!! But two wrongs never ever make a right and karma is kicking my butt. I just wonder sometimes if karma is also serving him his end of the deal for all the pain I suffered/am suffering (smh!)…like does he secretly miss me too? Does he think of me even half as much as I think of him? We will never know. I just know that when I have something good, I’m going to be smart and appreciate it while I’ve got it. I was younger, immature, and naive so I definitely wished I had met him after I met him, if that makes any sense….????

Being with him for that whole time period helped me grow in many ways. He had tough love for me. I’d never had that. And it has made me realize so much about myself, like who I thought I was wasn’t who I was. He opened my eyes. I broke out of a shell. He doesn’t realize what type of influence he had on me and how much admiration I had for him. Still do. He’s a different type of dude. So far from average. He might look average but I get him. He’s special and I see his potential in every way. From the outside looking in, people see something totally different. I miss my friend. That’s all. He meant a great deal to me and I’m wishing May 24, 2010 never happened. I just want to be in his arms again, look into his eyes, lay around being lazy flirting all day, like the old times. That day, my whole world came crashing down.

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About jasminestewart87

https://jasminestewart87.wordpress.com

Posted on June 3, 2011, in Friendships/Love. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Hey Jazzy Fizzle *hugs*

    I don’t think your pain is ridiculous at all. Why wouldn’t you mourn over someone who meant that much to you? I dated my guy bestfriend first and at the time…I thought he was my soulmate,but we both realized that although we were similar in many ways, we were too different in other areas of life. This caused a lot of tension and heated arguments. At one point, I couldn’t even stand to call him,because I knew it would end up in a point less argument,so in the end we decided to stay friends…

    The whole point of that spill was if you still feel this way about him, why not ask for friendship? You seem like such an awesome person,so I’m sure the hurt is mutual. And since it’s been a year, maybe you’ve both had time to heal and move on to the next possible stage (friendship). The only reason why I’m encouraging the madness despite the drama and heartbreak that you went throughis because it’s so hard to find good friends and hold on to them. Just because you might not have been meant for each other romantically, doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. And who knows…maybe you both weren’t quite ready for each other back then…people change and grow,so maybe there’s still a chance romantically as well.

    I have a friend who went into surgery this morning…we’re all praying,but seeing him made me realize that tomorrow really isn’t promised. If you still have love for him, reach out to him, and if he rejects the idea of friendship after you’ve told him how you felt, then atleast you know you tried and will have no regrets.

    Now as far as moving on goes…it took three years for my current bf to find me. Although it doesn’t feel like you’ll ever move on romantically, you just might if your patient and wait for the right person to come along and grab your attention (mentally, emotionally, & physically). You’re beautiful inside and out,so it shouldn’t be too much longer. I hope my words brought you peace and comfort.

    xo,
    Za

  2. First, thank you Za for taking the time out to give me your advice. It was definitely helpful and it put a smile on my face as I read it from my phone on my way to work (shame on me for checking my email while driving!). Anyway, I really do appreciate it deep down. Thank you! I just think my main problem is fear of rejection. Not that he would reject me per se but that it won’t go like I want and so I’d rather not even put myself out there like that for him. I’m struggling with this. Meanwhile, just hoping that I’ll get over him. Anyhow, I love you for this. Thanks again! JDS

    • You’re quite welcome ma’am! & pfft…I can’t judge you. I’m still trying to wean myself out of texting and driving *smh*. Anywho, I’m glad I could help :)And I completely understand about not wanting to extend yourself any further, trust. Remember, you *will* get over him, time heals most things. And thank you so much for you support!He was in good spirits after surgery. We’re all optimistic & hopeful, because God is good, all the time (even when we’re not deserving).

      • Well that’s good to hear then!! Amen to that. And MOST of the time, we actually don’t deserve it but He still does his thing.

        I like that. “You *will* get over him.” Thanks. XOXO 🙂

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