Heart STILL Hurting
A year ago, I was here blogging about being so totally heart-broken after my two year relationship had ended…
Well how pathetic is this: I am currently laying in bed crying about it. I am still hurting. I’m over what happened with the actual break-up and the drama I had to deal with. But I am not over the loss. He meant so much to me. He was my best friend, my go-to guy. Whenever I needed strength or advice or a shoulder to cry on or some comic relief in life, it was him. I miss him so much and no matter what I do, I can’t shake him. This is ridiculous. Even since then, I had started dating someone new toward the very end of last summer. I mean really, everything has truly been honky dory. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have off and on seemed to be JUST FINE without him. I really thought I was over it. How in the hell can you force your heart and your mind to let go of someone??? My heart is still in pain and also my mind won’t let him go (I.e. I have dreamed about him three times just in this week). Two nights ago, it was so elaborate that I woke up from the dream thinking it was real! And just now literally I just woke up from one and here I am crying. I can’t deal with this nonsense.
I want to tell him how much he still means to me, just to get it off my chest..maybe that’ll help. BUT I kind of refuse to put myself out there like that. There’s just NO point in doing that. We are never getting back together and my focus should be on moving on. We still keep in touch every blue moon but for me not a single day goes by when he doesn’t cross my mind.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a sad sap walking around all day. It’s all good. For the most part. But when I see something that reminds me of him, see someone who looks like him, hear one of our songs on the radio,…it’s not so good anymore.
I hate this. And no matter how dirty he used to do me, I always ended up forgiving him because I felt like I needed him in my life. And actually, here’s something I failed to mention in last Year’s blog post: we both did each other wrong throughout our relationship. Yep. He wasn’t the only bad guy. I do think what he did was worse though, especially that bull crap he pulled that ended it all!!! But two wrongs never ever make a right and karma is kicking my butt. I just wonder sometimes if karma is also serving him his end of the deal for all the pain I suffered/am suffering (smh!)…like does he secretly miss me too? Does he think of me even half as much as I think of him? We will never know. I just know that when I have something good, I’m going to be smart and appreciate it while I’ve got it. I was younger, immature, and naive so I definitely wished I had met him after I met him, if that makes any sense….????
Being with him for that whole time period helped me grow in many ways. He had tough love for me. I’d never had that. And it has made me realize so much about myself, like who I thought I was wasn’t who I was. He opened my eyes. I broke out of a shell. He doesn’t realize what type of influence he had on me and how much admiration I had for him. Still do. He’s a different type of dude. So far from average. He might look average but I get him. He’s special and I see his potential in every way. From the outside looking in, people see something totally different. I miss my friend. That’s all. He meant a great deal to me and I’m wishing May 24, 2010 never happened. I just want to be in his arms again, look into his eyes, lay around being lazy flirting all day, like the old times. That day, my whole world came crashing down.